


We're Not Who We Used To Be

by alexandra__spamilton



Series: Songfics [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Scabbers, Songfic, Two Ghosts, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 02:53:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10958154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexandra__spamilton/pseuds/alexandra__spamilton
Summary: Prisoner of Azkaban from Sirius' point of view. One-Shot w/ wolfstar.





	We're Not Who We Used To Be

It’s been in the news for weeks. Even the muggles are on the lookout for him. Sirius Black has escaped Azkaban. 

 

***

 

Sirius heard through the grapevine (such an odd expression), that Remus Lupin was the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor at Hogwarts.  _ He’s at Hogwarts.  _ Sirius couldn’t help noticing how literally  _ everyone  _ had just assumed that he was talking about his godson, Harry Potter. 

 

Sirius had visited Number 4, Privet Drive the night Harry Potter had run away. He knew Harry had been abused in that sorry excuse for a home. The hatred in the Dursley’s voices every time they spoke to Harry reminded Sirius of his own family. When Harry blew up his aunt, it took every fiber of Sirius’ being not to transform, pat his Godson on the shoulder and tell him he’d have made his father proud. 

 

Sirius travelled to his old stomping grounds as Padfoot. Hogwarts hadn’t changed a bit. He watched from the sidelines as Harry and his friends attended lessons each day. 

 

One particularly nice fall day, it happened. Remus John Lupin, a book, a cup of tea, and a bar of chocolate passed by Padfoot unknowingly. Padfoot whined, luckily Remus didn’t hear. _ Same lips red, same eyes blue. Same white shirt, couple more tattoos… but it's not you and it's not me. _ Sirius thought to himself. He remembered every memory of Remus Lupin he’d ever made.  _ Tastes so sweet, looks so real… sounds like something that I used to feel but I can't touch what I see.  _ Padfoot whined again.

 

Weeks and weeks passed by, until the day of that full moon, when everything had the potential to fall apart. Remus made his way to the Shrieking Shack very carefully. Ron Weasley, one of Harry’s friends, was chasing the rat. Padfoot tore across the grounds, knocking Ron down, grabbing a hold of the frightened boy’s leg, and followed ‘Scabbers’ down the passageway through the Whomping Willow. 

 

When Remus realized what had happened all those years ago, he let Sirius back into his life instantly. The two men shared a hug so intimate, it made people think they had been more than friends once upon a time. But Sirius knew they weren’t who they used to be. He knew Remus had changed; he could barely see life behind Remus’ eyes. As the night wore on, the full moon crept closer and closer. _ Moon dances over your good side. _

 

The next morning, Sirius and Remus woke up in the Shrieking Shack alone. Sirius helped his friend get dressed and he recited the charms he’d memorized so long ago to nurse Remus back to health. 

 

“Hey, Rem?” Sirius asked.

 

“Yeah, Padfoot?” Remus looked at his old friend who was still in his Azkaban uniform. He looked so different, but he hadn’t changed one bit. 

 

“Rem, this was all we used to need, and now… look at us! It’s like the day we told everyone we were engaged never happened…” Sirius trailed off, voice breaking at the thought of the life they might have shared. “I mean, we’re tongue-tied like we've never  _ known _ . And last night, telling those stories we already told? ‘Oh yeah, Harry, we’re like brothers’ seriously, Remus? Harry wouldn’t mind, but we couldn’t mention us, 'cause we don't say what we really mean. Just admit it Remus, we’re not who we used to be. I understand. We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.”

 

“Forgive me, Sirius. It’s been twelve bloody years of torture. I hated myself for loving you. I couldn’t stop--you betrayed our friends, or so I believed. I was supposed to hate you, and I couldn’t. I just…” Remus was sobbing. 

 

“Moony, you didn’t--” Sirius gasped.

 

“Of, course not. I thought about it, my life became a living hell. Changing jobs every three months or so, having absolutely nobody to talk to, nobody to love… and the transformations got worse and worse. I figured that was punishment enough.”

 

“Bloody hell, Remus. I  never meant for any of this to happen, but for you to consider…” Sirius couldn’t say the words.

 

“You can’t stay here, Sirius,” Remus said after a long period of silence.

 

“I couldn’t leave you again, Remus. I’ve been here since September.”

 

“I suppose, you could wait until the year ends. We could find somewhere to live… as friends for the time being.”

 

“Remus, I almost forgot. I have something for you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, but you’ll have to close your eyes.”

 

Remus closed his eyes, and Sirius leaned in to kiss the man who had once asked him to marry him. He inhaled Remus’ scent before pulling away. 

 

“Sirius, what was that for?”

  
“I’m just trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat.” Sirius told Remus, before he became Padfoot once again.


End file.
